I’ve had a bit of a rethink. It ties in nicely to my last post
(written when drunk, almost six weeks ago). Quite a lot has changed since then. For one, I’m no longer drunk.
I’ve made a radical decision. Remember those ‘fluff’
chapters I talked about? The ones which felt a little slight? Jettisoned. My
original logic was that I’d start off with a serious, gutpunch of a chapter
(that one’s staying), then follow it with a few, slightly lighter chapters
before bringing it back down a little later. At least, I say that that was the
plan; I think I really just started hitting keys until sentences came out, then
moved some of the words around.
But no matter how many times I edit and rewrite these bits,
they don’t feel right. They’re funny, reasonably engaging and competently
written. But they don’t sit at all well next to, y’know, a murder. The whole
idea of a bait-and-switch, ‘Ooooh life is fun, look how happy and-.. BAM!
MURDER!’ doesn’t work when the actual murder has already happened. There’s not
even an element of dramatic irony, because the events and players in question
aren’t, to the theoretical reader’s knowledge, in any way linked to the events
and players of Chapter One.
Here are a few more reasons for the hefty edit-job and the
loss of two chapters (2500 words) worth of MY PRECIOUS WORDS. Bullet points,
what’s up!
- · They set a romance which in no way fits into the narrative. Like, not even slightly.
- · Chapter Two is way, way too horny to be Chapter Two, or even Chapter Four.
- · Chapter Four isn’t, but it’s much too cheerful and content to be Chapter Anything.
- · They’re very clearly about Young Adults, when I really want them to be about Adult Adults, or at least Young Adults on the verge of Adult Adulthood. Potentially Adult Adults who still haven’t quite gotten over being Young Adults.
- · To be honest, they read a little too much like first year creative writing assignments.
- · Remember that bit I mentioned about staring at the beer tap? I fixed it but it’s still a bit shitty.
- · The female love interest is actually based on me as a 17 year old, but I worry that her role as both a subject of lust (alright, not entirely based on me as a 17 year old) and an overly eager, awkward seductress might be a bit unintentionally sexist.
- · Chapter Two starts with a reference that will make sense to about ten people in the entire world.
- · If that.
- · Said reference is explicitly about something real that I was directly involved in, giving the whole chapter a mildly unpleasant and entirely unintentional Mary-Sue vibe.
- · No murders in either chapter. Ridiculous.
And so, they’ve got to go, to be replaced with something a
little more in step with the tone of the first chapter, and about half of
chapter three (which I’m keeping). Never fear though, for I now present CHAPTER TWO: THE LOST
WORDS OF ME. Please be kind to it, I take all criticism personally.
--------------------------------------
‘And that’s when I started to have... dark thoughts.’
And then she laughs. And I’m back in the room.
The bar is red and the music is just a throb like dun dun
dun dun pulsing down my ears and compressing my brain just over and over and
over and I press my hands to my heads and when I drag myself up the barmaid is
looking right at me but she’s not the one talking, and it’s a girl I don’t
think I know. Where the fuck is Kate. What is this girl talking about. Fucking..
dark thoughts? I don’t understand, her dark
thoughts? What? This is Kate’s fault. Keeps buying us both shots and leaving
both for me to drink. Fuckkk. Should try and focus on this girl. Kate’s friend.
Fucking.. uhh .. don’t know. From Derby (Wigan?). Mid-blonde. Voice is..
annoying. Just.. but her ass. Fuck. Heavenly ass. HEAVENLY fucking.. like a
heart. Like a big ol’ cartoon heart. Which I would like to break. Ahahahaha.
Bahdumtish.
Need to focus. Try staring at the beer tap in front of me
but the metal goes on forever and it’s twisting itself into knots and
collapsing in on itself and it just goes up, up as far as I can see and the
cold shining metal is sweating and it’s coated, soaked in water, huge droplets,
cascading rivulets and.. she’s gone quiet. Fuck. Words.
‘What?’
‘...’dark thoughts?’ Isn’t that what she says? The girl?
‘And that’s when I started to have dark thoughts?’ And.. ohh, what’s the
other.. something about nothing ever being her fault because it’s just people
choosing to be hurt by the things she does? I think that was it. That whole bit
was so funny.’
Ohhh... she means.. Josh’s film, the film we made. Fuck, she
saw that? Do I.. have I met her before? Have we spoken? Did I.. fuck her?
‘Oh yeah.. yeah that
was.. good. One take, we.. and .. we were pretty drunk. I look pretty bad.. I
had to.. to grow out my hair.. beard.. continuity and.. kind of fat too. Look
like Hagrid. Pretty much.’
She laughs, punches my arm.
‘I think you looked pretty cute. Rugged. Kind of animalistic.’
‘Oh.. thanks. Cool. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.’
She laughts. She must be messing with me. Look so rough in
that damn film. S’a good little flick but I look dog tired and neglected. My
kid’s beard grew so long, six months growth of fucking hair. Lost the weight
now. Probably looking rough, though. Does she know? Seems into me. All the
touching and the compliments. Not a girl’s job to be handing those out. Do I want to fuck tonight? Could I fuck tonight? I’m not sure. Maybe,
maybe if I sober up. Eyes to the
barmaid. Catch her eye easily, gesture to Her glass. She points back at me, I
mouth ‘water’ and she nods. Derby/Wigan has been talking this whole time,
haven’t heard a single word. Look right into her eye and nod, smile. She stops
and smiles back. Should I.. kiss her? Think better of it. Ask her where she
lives, then immediately feel stupid. Maybe I already know? Maybe I’ve been
there and been in her house and fucked
her in it. Think, Jesus. She giggles, thank fuck.
‘Wouldn’t you like
to know.’
I wince, but I’m relieved. So many questions answered. No, I
haven’t slept with her. Probably didn’t know her before tonight. Maybe, maybe she wants to fuck. Do I? Do I? Bar
girl’s back with the drinks. Just pull a note out of my pocket and wave it at
her. Notice that I’ve just bought a fucking giant cocktail for
reallymustlearnthisgirlsfuckingname. Her face is a picture. Cast a raised
eyebrow at bar girl, who winks, then gives me way too much change. Well damn.
Thanks, bar chick.
‘Oh my God! How did you even know I like these?’
How did she know she likes those? I just shrug, smile, knock
the water back. She takes a huge sip, then leans over and plants one on the
corner of my mouth. Leans back, takes another sip, puts a hand on my leg, locks
eyes with mine. I stare straight back. Feel more sober than I have in weeks. We
hold the gaze for what feels like a long, long time. I focus on her irises;
green, marbled with light brown, orange, yellow.. pretty eyes. In fact, this
whole face is damn pretty. The pretty face leans forward, whispers in my ear.
‘Don’t go anywhere.’
Hops off her stool, heads to the ladies. I just watch that
perfect ass move across the room, goddamn. She looks back over her shoulder,
sees me gawping, winks and gives me a little wiggle. I could just die. I could just die. Weird thought suddenly; how
come the bar girl has nothing to do? Look around, somehow the bar has half
emptied and I didn’t notice. Must be closing time, three am or so. See Kate and
Josh in a booth, just looking and laughing. They know I’m fucked up, they seem
pretty on point. Cast Josh a weary look, he hits back with a sly wink. I get my
phone out, quickly run off a message.
WHY IS SH SO INTO ME?? WAS I RLY F ING CHARMING OR WHAT? x
Josh starts when his pocket buzzes, casts me a ‘Really?’
look. Takes a minute or two on the reply.
Caps? Dick. Shes always told kate she likes the hairy one in
our flick. Guess you live up to her expectations. Fuck me santa fuck me santa
fuck me santa hahaha x
Look up in time to see her coming back. She’s doing a ‘sexy
walk’ which doesn’t suit her at all but the red mist has descended and it’s not
helped when she leans in, kisses my neck and presses something damp and lacy
into my hand. I can’t hold back the huge grin that’s eating up my face. Move to
speak but she presses a single finger against my lips. I lean back slightly,
move the full hand behind my back and show Josh and Kate what she’s just given
me. Out of the corner of my eye, I see them both convulsing with something.
‘Let’s get out of here.’
Fucking let’s.
--------------------------------
So whaddaya think? Did you make it this far? I'm kind of in a funk at the moment, so I think it's an abominable piece of shit, but I remember liking it at some point.
To round things off, here's a song I listened to almost every day in first year.
